It Started With A Question
by GreenSymbiotePie
Summary: This is a compilation thingie I wanted to make with Link's companions asking questions that I've had about the Legend of Zelda, but turned into a short story. Sometimes a very short story, at that. Rated T because I said so.
1. Navi Asks

Well, this is what I was working on. I'm releasing the first three chapters, then I'll wait for a day or so and post the next. Trust me, I have a lot of these in my Drive. OK, sorry for the holdup, and NOW, you must read.

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One day in Kokiri Forest, Navi asked the boy Link a question that would change his view on the Deku Tree: "LISTEN UP FUNKYHEAD! Why you no wear pants?" "Cuz I'm a man!" Link said smugly. Navi flew under Link. "But nothing underneath? Why?" Link yelped and jumped away from Navi. "Hey!" Link yelled. "Stop trying to look at my butt, you pervert!" Navi's blue darkened a little. "I wasn't!" Navis protested. "I was checking to see if you had anything underneath!" Link glared at Navi. "OK, this is getting too uncomfortable." Navi went on anyways. "Now that I think of it, Saria doesn't have pants: she has shorts! _She's_ more man than you!" Link gasped. "No she isn't! I am a man!" Navi said smugly, "Then prove it." Link thought for a few seconds. "I can't get shorts!" Then Link realized the truth about him and his dressing style. "I _am_ a man! _Real_ men aren't too chicken to wear kilts!" ". . . Or you're a transvestite," Navi added. Link stared daggers at her. Then an AHA lightbulb popped up over his head. Or Navi flew over his head, but same difference. He said excitedly, "Let's ask S-" "ATTENNNNTION!" Someone roared. Link fell over as he yelled in surprise and they laughed at him. Link seethed in annoyance and screeched, "It isn't funny!" as he got up. It was . . . Fado. Ugh. Not her. She sneered, "What kind of masks do you have now? Heh heh heh. Stupid masks. Masks. It's a funny word. It was originally derived from Medieval Latin as the word -" Link interrupted her (because really, who gives a _fork_ what the origin of mask is? No one even gives a spoon either). "Do you think I'm manly, Fado?" Fado laughed cruelly. "Is that a real question? You wear a dress! Hey, have you ever wondered stuff about my name? I have. 'Fa' and 'do' are music notes. And manly is such a interesting word, isn't it? I wanna make my own words when I - oh yeah. Never mind. Eternal youth sucks. You lucky son of a -" Link muttered,"Yeah, I wish you guys could grow up . . . or something. But I am a man!" "Men don't wear dresses!" Fado said smugly. Link face reddened and he screeched, "IT'S NOT A DRESS! IT'S A TUNIC!" Fado shrugged. "Same difference. I'm telling Mido you're back." Link grumbled something about trying to be cool. Fado didn't say anything, so Link glanced over. "What are you -" "Hey! Get off my turf, loser!" Someone snarled. Oh no. Mido the not-so Great was back. How was Fado that fast? But Link was the one with a sword, so . . . yeah. Mido sneered, "Why are you here again? I thought you killed the Deku Tree and left!" Link pulled out his sword. Mido yelped and cowered in fear. He whimpered, "Takey money and go!" Link said smugly, "I don't want your money. I just want to know something: do you think I am a real man?" Mido said uncomfortably, "Not really . . . you have a dress." Link's face turned red and he shrieked, "IT'S A TUNIC!" Mido asked, "Can I go now!" Link mumbled, "Whatever . . ."


	2. Tatl Asks

One fateful day, Link was riding Epona across Termina Field, epic music playing in his head, when Tatl asked a question that would change his view on horses forever,

" Yo, does it hurt your crotch when you're riding that fast so long?" Link said, "Why would it not?" Well he really said it a lot differently, but what would you expect, riding a horse at that speed? Tatl asked, "What'd you say?" Link repeated what he said. Tatl blabbed, "I don't have a pee pee. I'm a fairy. It's good I don't have a tiny horse because I would make it glue a few days later because I don't like horses. Did you know my favorite show is Green is The New Black? Man, that thang is HILARIOUS-" Link screeched, "I DON'T CARE!" Tatl continued chatting."And this one time, I went to a hot dog eating contest and I got a super tummy ache and it was not cool, bro, but that reminds me of the time I needed to pee but it was while we were fighting Majora so I had to wait and -" Link grumbled, "You could have told me this while were actually fighting Majora!" Tatl blurted out, "I LOVE TO TALK!" Then she finally stopped talking. Link waited a few seconds to not strangle Tatl. Then when he saw she wasn't talking at all, he decided to save it for later. Then he yelped in pain as Epona went over a lumpy thing in the ground. It sounded like they ran over a guy, but meh. Who cares? No one. Link pulled the horse to a stop as gently as he could (with a third degree crotch injury) and screeched, "MY CROTCH!" Tatl jeered, "Ha HA! I knew it hurt more than you were letting on!" "Shut up," Link growled as he slid off Epona.


	3. Navi Asks 2

One weird day, Navi asked Link a question that had always annoyed him: "LISTEN UP FUNKYHEAD! Why do you never talk, Link? Is it because everyone always interrupt you, Link?" Link opened his mouth to answer, but Navi went on. "Oh, that makes more sense. Remember all those times?"

 _You flashbaaaaaack . . ._

 _Link remembered when he met Malon in Hyrule Castle Town. "What's your name, hot stuff?" Malon purred. Link tried to answer, but she muttered, "Never mind. Screw your name. Since you are wearing a dress, I'm calling you fairy boy. Is that OK?" Link shook his head vigorously, but Malon chuckled and said cheerfully, "Great! I don't take no for an answer anyways," She added with a threatening look. Link opened his mouth to say something, but again, Malon interrupted him. "Hey, can you find my lazy idiot of a dad? He's probably slacking off again. Leaving me to do all the work. Hey, do you have a spare dad or something? We can trade!" Link was about to answer, but . . . do I even need to say it? "If you go to find my father, here's something that'll help!" Link was about to scream into her face that he did not want to help her lazy dad and that was her problem, but he just couldn't. she handed something to him. "Use it wisely!" Malon warned him._ You got a **Weird Egg.** It's pretty self explanatory, stupid, so think about it if you don't know. But why is it shaking around? _"Now can you go please, fairy boy?"_ _Malon said in an irritated voice."I need to show him what happens when you slack off." she grumbled. Link huffed in annoyance and walked away before she could say anything else._

 _Flashback Awaaaayyyy . . ._

"Ha ha!" Navi jeered at Link. "Man, that was hilarious!" Link glared at Navi. Then she interrupted him before he even thought of saying anything. "And remember with getting Epona?"

 _You flashbaaaaaack . . ._

 _It was after Link played the cucco hunt game with Talon when Talon made things weird. "Do you wanna marry Malon? Just a totally irrelevant question." Link blushed and was about to answer when the rancher jumped and shrieked, "NO?! THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A JOKE AND YOU WE'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY YES!" Link wanted to explain that his answer would be "YES YES YES OMG OLD MAN I'M SO INTO THAT THANKS FOR UNDERSTANDING BYE I'M GETTING HITCHED NOW," but no one would ever listen. Why did everyone interrupt him so much? Talon growled, "I'm getting Malon, boy!" Link yelped and shook his head frantically. But Talon ignored him and bellowed, "MALON! LINK DOESNT WANT TO MARRY YOU!" Link whimpered and braced for the pain. Malon screeched, "_ _ **WHAT!?"**_ _Malon stormed into the barn with a furious face and a large stick. Talon saluted his daughter and told her, "He's over there, ma'am!" Malon turned to Link. With the big stick too . . . "One last chance fairy boy. Just because I like you. Now do you wanna marry me or not?" Link smiled nervously and nodded a few times to get it clear. Then he scribbled on a sheet of paper he pulled out from his "storage." He handed the paper to Malon. Her eyes skimmed over it quickly. Then she screeched, "YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO MARRY ME?!" She started walking slowly towards Link, holding the large stick. Then she threw it down and started cracking her knuckles. "Dad, you might wanna go outside. This is gonna be ugly." Talon growled, "Yes ma'am. but don't you touch my daughter, boy!" Link was about to scream in confusion. What did he do? He never said anything! Malon grinned evilly at Link. "Yep, I got some plans for you . . ." And Link didn't want to remember what happened next. Let's just say he would never think of Malon the same way again. ._

 _Flashback Awaaaayyyy . . ._

Link shuddered and Navi laughed again. "Yeah, that was a good one. But really, what _did_ she do to you?" Link grumbled, "I'm -"

"My favorite was with Zelda," Navi went on. "I can't believe you did that to her!"

 _You flashbaaaaaack . . ._

 _Link had finally passed through that stupid castle's security and was talking to the princess Zelda. "What's your name?" She asked. Link was about to say his name, but Zelda interrupted him. Like every always does."Actually, I don't need to know. It's probably Link or something anyways. But on to more important matters. I had a dream . . ." Link was listening for the first two seconds, then he stopped caring as the chatty princess babbled on and on about really boring stuff. Before he knew it, everything blurred together for what felt like hours. Then Zelda snapped her fingers in his his face a few times. "Link! Pay attention!" Zelda scolded. Link woke up and sighed. Then she asked a question, which Link didn't think she was going to do. "So do believe me?" Zelda asked. Link thought for a few seconds. If he believed her, then she would keep talking. If he didn't, he could leave and do something more fun. So he said confidently, "N-" Zelda burst in, "Great! Now take this letter somewhere! You'll figure out where it eventually. But hurry up! The world depends on you now!" Link wanted to scream in her face that here was no flippin' WAY he was the point saving the world. Can't you find someone for that on Craigslist? Zelda snapped, "Now can you go? Let me stalk this guy in peace! He has crains!" Link coughed and wrote on his paper, "It's crayons." Then he showed it to Zelda, who looked at it for ten seconds. Zelda snapped, "It's whatever I want it to be, beosch!" Link scribbled down on his paper something again and Zelda read it. Then she mumbled, "Impa won't let me say real cuss words. I learned all of them, but I still say these. Ya know, with the guards and all. But who cares, you funky son of a beosch!" Link clenched his teeth shut and gave Zelda the Finger. The little brat looked at his finger in confusion. "What does that mean?" Zelda asked. Link roared, "IT MEANS THAT I WANT YOU TO F-" Zelda shrieked, "AAAH! You can talk?!" Zelda cupped her hands around her mouth and hollered, "GUARDS! A TALKING GUY IN A DRESS IS TRYING TO SEXUALLY ASSAULT ME!" Link gave Zelda the Finger again and ran behind a hedge. He heard footsteps where he had just been. "Where is the intruder, ma'am?" One guard asked Zelda. "I don't know!" Zelda whined. "Now next time, you poopy heads, arrest everyone who comes near me with a green dress and no butt-covies!" The same guard muttered, "I think you mean underwear, ma'am." "Shut up and buy me McDonalds already!" Zelda whined. The guard protested, "But you didn't order -" "MCDONALDS!" Zelda screeched. "OR YOU'RE FIRED!" The guard waited a few seconds, probably bowing, then he walked out of the courtyard. Link sighed in relief._

 _Flashback Awaaaayyyy . . ._

Navi turned bright green, she was laughing so much. Then she started choking and turned red. Link shouted, "I'll save you!" Link's natural reaction was to punch her. Then she turned back to her normal light blue. "Ohhhh, that was a good one . . ." Navi chuckled. Link crossed his arms and muttered under his breath. Navi, still breathing hard, remembered aloud, "And do you remember with Epona?" Link groaned in annoyance. And shuddered, thinking about Malon. No really, what _did_ she do to him?

 _You flashbaaaaaack . . ._

 _It was at Lon Lon Ranch again. On the way there, he doubted it was smart going back. Considering what happened last time . . . suddenly, someone said loudly behind him, "HI FAIRY BOY!" It was Malon, holding a bucket of "milk!" Link froze, his heart beating like when Malon cornered him in that barn. With a stick. Oh, anything but the stick . . ._

 _Malon said with a devilish smile, "So you're back for more?" Link shook his head (NO) frantically and started hyperventilating. Malon brightened up and said excitedly, "GREAT!" Link put his hands in his face. He said from behind his hands, "Can you just let me talk please?" Malon gasped. "You can talk? I_ knew _you were a rapist!" Link groaned, "Why does everyone think that I'm so horrible? And now_ I'm _the rapist?!" Malon looked at Link suspiciously. "Anyways, what are you here for if you don't want_ _ **it**_ _?" Link didn't even say anything because he knew she was going to figure out in three, two, one - "Oh! Your chubby little legs are tired from walking across Hyrule?" Malon cooed. Link mumbled, "I guess." Malon squealed, "Aawwwwwwwww! That's so cuuuuuuuuuuuuute! Yeah, I'll help you, fairy boy. But first . . ." Malon cupped her hands over her mouth and screamed, "DAD! LINK IS HERE AGAIN!" Link's heart was racing even faster. He started hyperventilating again. "But - he'll kill me!" Malon grinned wickedly. "Maybe. I guess we'll see!" Suddenly, Link was knocked to the ground. He let out a cry of fear and jumped up, something flying off of him. Sadly, it was Talon. But luckily, being the lazy, um, "beosch," (as Zelda would put it) he is, he just fell asleep. Malon growled, "Look what you did, stupid! Well actually, it's better this way. Now follow me." Malon walked down the field. Suddenly, something rammed straight into him, he fell on the ground, and got trampled to near death. Malon turned around and cursed. "Don't get yourself run over by my crazy horse, fairy boy!" Malon ran over and helped Link get up. Then she examined him. He looked hurt. Suddenly, a "brilliant" idea struck her! Malon grinned and said, "Hey Link, do you have any injuries in your nether regions?" Link moaned in pain. Then he said weakly, "No, you perv . . ." Malon sighed in disappointment. "Aw. So anyways, that one that ran you over is Epona. She's stylin', isn't she?" Link tried to look at the horse through his bloody face. There was only one thing he knew to do: give it the Finger. When the horse starting charging at him again, he showed it the power of the Finger. The horse stopped straight in its tracks and snorted disdainfully at Link. Link yelled, "THAT'S what's up, boyyyyyy!" The horse came uncomfortably close to Link. Link gulped. What was this thing? He had never seen a horse so close before. Why were it's eyes so far apart? And why was it taller than him? Malon chuckled nervously. "Now now Epona! Don't kill my playtoy - I mean, um, friend!" Malon said l quickly, "Hey, um, I'm not gonna sing it or anything, so here! Read this!" Malon threw a piece of paper at Link. But sadly, it hit Epona instead. "Uh oh," Malon muttered. And from there, everything spiraled into chaos._

 _Flashback Awaaaayyyy . . ._

Navi laughed one last time. "Those were some good times." Link started to say something again, but Navi interrupted him. AGAIN. FOR, LIKE, THE MILLIONTH TIME IN THIS FANFIC. "Malon is going to be a pedophile. We agree on that, right?" "How many times - do I have to tell you - to stop interrupting me?" Link said through gritted teeth. Navi sighed. "Fine."


	4. Midna Asks

I changed my mind. I'm releasing I think two more chapters to start with. Just had to say that. Oh, and I'm just saying, but if I were you, I would read these chapters correctly. I put them in a chronological order if you can't see yet.

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One dark night in Ordon Village, Midna asked a question that would change Link's opinion of Midna: "Hey Link, I'm raping you, K?" EWW, NOT THAT QUESTION! I mean, um, she said this: "Hey Link, do you think I'm mean?" Link screeched, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME? YOU ENSLAVED ME TO WORK NON-STOP ON FINDING YOUR SHADOW THING! WHY WOULD YOU EVEN DO THAT?! OF COURSE YOU'RE MEAN!" Midna pouted. "I'm not mean." "Well if you're not mean, prove it," Link said with a huff. Midna asked, "How?" Link grinned evilly. "You'll have to get me a present!" Midna sighed. "What kind of present?" Link's grin grew wider. "Rupees. Tons of Rupees!" Midna muttered something. Then she disappeared. "Wait, lemme go with you!" Link called after her. "I'm afraid of the daaaaaaark!" It was too late. Link swore angrily. Why was he so afraid of the dark? Ever since he was 16, he had hated the dark because it wasn't chocolate. He thought that darkness was chocolate, but it wasn't! It was just emptiness! The very thought just made him sick. Then Midna came back with a ton of Rupees. Link yelled, "Yay, appreciation day fer meeee!" Then he jumped into the pile of money. Link said, "Hey Midna, you know why I like money so much?"

"No," Midna sighed. "You can save it up and you'll be happy! Money's the source of all goodness in the world, you know. People can't live without that stuff. But the main reason I love it is that you can buy chocolate with it!" Link told her. Midna asked, "Isn't it the other way around? Money is the root of all evil!" Link laughed. "Of course not! Money equals chocolate! Chocolate is _life._ " Midna suggested, "If you have such an obsession with chocolate, you should go to this place I found in Castle Town -" but Link was gone before she could say anything else. Midna muttered, "Werewolves these days."


	5. Tatl Asks 2

One day, Tatl asked a question that would change Links life forever: "Yo, what happened to Romani? Why she so gay?" Link screamed, "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY FLIPPING SENSE!" Tatl said boredly, "Just check on that girl and make sure she's aight. K?" Link grumbled, "I was already going to. What else was I going to do today anyways?" Link played the Song of Soaring and ended up in Romani Ranch. Link looked around the whole ranch. Romani was sitting on a crate, mumbling gibberish and shaking her head in despair. Link went up to her crate. "Ummmmm . . . Romani?" She was still muttering to herself. Link said loudly, "Hey Romani!" Romani looked up, a dazed look on her face. "Huh . . . wanna practice . . . for . . . for coffee?" Link said kindly, "Coffee isn't something you can practice. And, um, I was wondering, did you, um, well, what happened to you?" Romani looked down, clearly trying to remember. "I . . . they . . . it . . ." Then she must have thought of something disturbing to her, because she shivered and shook her head hard. Link asked senselessly, "Did you get raped?" Romani made a miserable looking face and shook her head again. Link wasn't sure if she was doing that as a yes or just because she was sick. Then he said. "Did you get lobotomized?" Romani didn't say anything and put her head in her hands. "What . . . what did we practice for . . . who is that boy . . . I've gotta remember . . ." Link shrugged and walked away into their house. Cremia was sitting at the table and staring at it, looking depressed. Link grumbled, "Jeez. Why is everyone so down?" Cremia glared at Link. "My little sister lost her memory and the cows are gone. That isn't exactly the best news." Link said guiltily, "Is there, um, anything I can do?" Cremia grinned. "Maybe since Romani is in some kind of coma, you can meet me in my room. I can teach you how babies are made . . . and a whole lot more." Link looked kind of horrified. "Um . . . can't you just tell me down here?" "No!" Cremia scoffed. "You'll feel a lot better upstairs. I'll also lock the door. So we can be together alone for once." Link started backing away slowly to the door. "Yeah, Tatl hit me earlier, I almost forgot I needed a, um, bandage or something! Bye bye!" Link ran outside as Cremia called, "Wait, I want your body!" Link closed the door and sighed in relief. Tatl flew out of nowhere (or Link's butt) and scolded, "Link! You should have gone upstairs with Cremia!" Link snapped, "No I shouldn't have, because who knows what would happen to me up there. I'm not saying what, or this would be rated M." Link walked back to Romani. She was still acting like someone who had too many drugs. She probably did, but against her will. Tatl whispered to Link, "Ask stupid questions!" Link shot back, "I know what to do!" Link said, "Hey, um, did they wipe your brain?" "That's a stupid question!" Tatl hissed. "How would you remember being mind-wiped? You know, I once mind-wiped someone in -" Link ignored her chattering and asked, "Were you physically and mentally abused?" Romani still didn't say anything. I kinda see why. Link asked another stupid question. "Did they force you to drink black coffee? Or did they teach you secrets of the world?" Romani groaned. Link didn't know why. Then she gasped. "I think I remember, Grasshopper!" Link coughed. "Um, that was kinda easier than I thought. Why would you remember now? Was the author being lazy again?" Romani shrieked, "It really _was_ the coffee! I think they poisoned me with coffee! But before that, I think we learned the secrets of the world too. Can I go to Starbucks now?" Link yelled, "NOPE! Now what did they tell you? Did they beat you up? Was it like those movies when someone falls in love with the alien and they can't be together or something stupid like that? Or did they rape you? Did they?" Romani screeched, "I DONT REMEMBER, NO, DEFINITELY NOT, AND EWWWWW, THATS SICK, HECK TO THE NO!" Link sighed. "Good. There's only space for me, isn't there? Hm hm." Link grinned. Romani ignored Link and continued thinking. " I forgot what it was. Ugh." Romani shivered. "But don't try to remind me. Now can I drink it off at Starbucks?" Link grumbled to himself. "Fine. You may go," He muttered. Romani ran off to Starbucks. Link said, annoyed, "Well we checked that out. Now can we go somewhere. I'm going to Cremia's house . . . on second thought, maybe not." "I think she wants to, like, marry you or something. I don't know. You should call the police. You know, this one time I called the police when my brother wasn't at that Christmas Party in '96, because he swore of his _life_ that he would be there but he wasn't, and YA know, I kinda love your sometimes cause you're adorable but I just say, 'Nope, just wait Tatl!' And I'll understand someday, and you know, this one time I -" "Shut up please," Link moaned. "Just . . . no."


End file.
